THE BLACK JUMPSUIT (WHAT WAS THE END OF MY WORLD AS I KNEW IT) IT'S A TELL ALL BIH!

I've heard too many people say you gotta take the good with the bad. What happens if there's no good in the bad? if the bad is just... bad? I'm learning everyday that I can not have control over everything, the things I do have control over I make sure I take care of them to the best of my ability. I share a lot of my life on this platform but I have been secretly suffering for a while now and I just felt like I couldn't share this part of my journey because it would offend people or call attention to my problems. I say fuck it! As most of you already know I have been out of my mother's house for quite some time now. I don't complain about things because I am content with what I have. I have learned to be pleased with God.  There was a lot of confusion surrounding my leave, a lot of pointing fingers and he say and she say. I didn't understand why the people that were suppose to love me didn't love me anymore. 

Throughout the summer of 2017 I had panic attacks and the pain was very unbearable to say the least. There were times when I thought going back would make things better or just putting my pride aside and admitting to things I never did in order to be good with them. I was lonely because I didn't have a family, the ones that I had grown familiar to were no more. The mother I had grown to love was no more. I was hurt, bitter and felt like dying but who was I going to share all of this with? Who was going to listen to me? hear my story without any judgments? I suffered in silence and only a handful of people knew the demons I was facing. They encouraged me and some even joined me to fight. 

I almost went through depression thinking I couldn't live without my mother because she couldn't live without me. She lived without me, hell she LIVED without me! I forgot what it was like to live for Jael because I spent so many years living for everyone else, making sure that everyone was good and had everything. I forgot what it felt like to live for me. I didn't know who I was. I thought I did but as I was analyzing things I realized that I didn't. I grew into the person everyone wanted not the person I was suppose to be. For the longest of time I kept wondering why every little thing use to make me angry, I wondered why sometimes I hated to be around people. I didn't know that I was living somebodyelse's life. The Jael I know now laughs all the time, brings joy to people, she loves with her whole heart. She lives so freely and she gives!




September 16th was the day I decided  to pull myself together. I had received a phone call about another accusation and I felt so bad. I knew within myself what the purpose of the call was. I knew that they wanted to bring me down because I was finally thriving without them. I knew! But I still fell in that sunken place because I kept thinking what could I have done to deserve this? especially from the people I love the most. September 17th I sat  myself down and told myself that never again will I allow them to bring me down. I told myself that if I must make it it'll have to be through outsiders but definitely not my family. I stopped being angry because anger didn't do anything. I stopped being bitter because bitterness didn't help my situation, I decided to let go and live. When I did that I saw a shift in the atmosphere. There was a time when I use to wait for the affirmation of others before I did certain things but I didn't anymore. I lived bih! I got my nails done, sipped on some lemonade and planned my next move. Shit I was stunting on these hoes with my heart being all broken and shit. And you definitely couldn't figure it out because I was slaying the hell out of those outfit posts. I look good when I'm in pain and I think all these motherfuckers know that fact lol.





As 2018 was approaching and I was counting my many blessings of 2017 I realized something. In the beginning of the year I prayed that God would remove anybody in my life that was toxic. I prayed and fasted on this. When it started to manifest I was okay with it because it started with friends, and friends and more friends. When it got to my family I started getting angry and I didn't want to separate myself because I didn't want to believe  they were toxic, hell I didn't know anything outside of them. After months of fighting the inevitable, I finally gave in and let God handle the rest. I didn't know that the void in my soul could ever be filled. I tried filling it with everything else but God. I forgot about God for a second, I was so focused on who was going to love me, who was going to take care of me, and who was going to make me feel good again. I forgot that God did all of those things before anyone did. I forgot that God loved me before I even loved myself. I forgot God. I was roaming around with the wrong guys and wrong friends and family trying to fill the void that only Jesus can fill. So now that I know I'm letting him fill that void. I'm no longer living to please anyone, not even myself. I'm living to please him; the one that loves me the most.






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       That's all for now, until next time stay fabu-lous!
Peace, love and happy shopping

2 comments

  1. Gorgeous Look Gril! This one piece suits you so well! Love reading your Post! xx Katie

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