ONE OF THOSE EVERYDAYS (RANDOM RANT)


I created  this space to help people with their insecurities because at the time I myself was insecure. I had many reason to hate myself and I did. I have explained my story on here many times about going through depression and being suicidal. It's like I just woke up one day and decided that I wasn't worthy enough and I made up my mind not to believe any good thing anyone might say concerning me. I don't know why I take so long to process things or why my time to process things is so long that I end up breaking my spirit. It's one thing for others to hurt you, but it's another thing to let them keep hurting you and allowing yourself to keep hurting yourself.

It's like I woke up one day and thought I wasn't pretty enough, strong enough or even worth it. I know most of these thoughts had a lot to do with the situation around me. But I can't help but take a piece of that insecurity with me everyday. I can't escape the fact that I'm broken. I have learned to forgive those who hurt me but it seems like the person that needs forgiving is me. It's crazy how some days I feel on top of the world and like I have everything under control and some days I can barely look at myself in the mirror. I begin to give myself reasons to hate myself. 

To some this may not seem like a big deal but to me it is. When I'm ok and I feel better about myself I can't help but think that something is wrong. I can't share this with people close to me because they won't understand or maybe I just think that I'm misunderstood or maybe I'm just overly, dramatically, emotional from it almost being my time of the month. I don't know...

It's always at night I have these thoughts. It's like it's always there and I forget it sometimes but whenever something bad happens it triggers these thoughts and then I go back to where I started. This is something I have been dealing with for almost 9 years now. I don't know why the pain would not go away, I don't know what else to do because I do realize that this is not only affecting me but it's affecting everyone that is connected to me.  Some of these emotions run so deep that even I can't fully understand to begin to explain. All I know is I've been hurt and I know I'm not the only person in this world that has been hurt but it also feels like I'm the only person in this world that is still hurting...

I don't know if it's time I need to heal or maybe it's Jesus or maybe it's me just taking a breather. I don't know. I have tried all of these things to be completely honest but none of them have worked for a long period of time. I have been living my life without thinking and it seem to work for me during the day, but as the night approaches I am forced to face my demons I have been running away from. I lose sleep every night trying to convince myself that everything will be ok but I don't believe that myself. All these years I thought I was getting better but it seems like I'm getting worse. I went to counseling and I thought everything would be ok and it was for a little while but some way some how I always end up in this position. Every single time. 

It's almost my birthday I should be celebrating my new age and being thankful for another year, but I feel nothing. I feel nothing at all. I have been told many times that these things happen to make you stronger but I don't know when I'm going to start believing that. It's like sometimes darkness overtakes me and I can't find a single light in the dark. When I do find my light everything in life tries to put my light out and when it finally succeeds the world tells me that I didn't fight hard enough. I wonder  how long will one person keep fighting? How long will I fight for the same thing and have it taken away from me? Don't they understand that people get tired?! That I get tired? That I am tired? I don't think I was built for the emotional pain. I swear I would do anything to feel this pain physically and get it over with. It hurts too much! It  hurts too damn much and I'm suppose to pretend to be ok because I have people watching me and waiting to see how I would act. I have cousins and friends telling me I'm their role model. People looking up to me to see if I would fail and even I don't know what's next. 

I don't even know I how got to this point. Sometimes it feels like it's just me. Like I'm alone because nobody understands me. People are so quick to judge me and they just add to the list on my imperfections. I criticize myself so much I forget that I'm not one of them. I'm never proud of anything I do. Never. People tell why they think I do the things I do when they don't even know me. A con of having a successful blog is that people judge me without even thinking I'm human just like them. I feel the same way they do and it hurts me when they say all those mean things about me. It really hurts. 

I feel like I'm losing my mind because I keep running away from the pain and acting as if it's not there that when I do start to feel it I think I' crazy.  Yeah..... This overly emotional rant is over. This is a day in the of  Simply Jaelicious aka Jael. I'm fine for however long it lasts but the silver lining of this situation is that it's getting better, With prayer and a deeper connection with my father I will be renewed.

That's all for now, until next time stay fabu-lous!

Peace, love and happy shopping

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