I woke up this morning and realized that I have been distracted. I am no longer focused on my goals or any goals for that matter. You know the part of the bible where it says forgive and you shall be forgiven?
yeah I'm trying to live that out as best as possible. People are making it difficult because they keep putting me in situations where I have to question the integrity of that bible verse and my actions. I don't understand how one person can  survive in a world of hurt... It's crazy. I have lost sight of what is important, the reason I'm doing all of this. It's easy to get distracted when you're an emotional person or if you're emotionally attached to people as am I. When I love somebody I love them with everything in me but when they do things like betray me and lie the love for them decreases. I feel so alone, more than ever before. Being misunderstood is no fun, it's crazy how everyday I'm reminded that literally nobody understands me on the level I want them to.

People get mad when I say I don't trust anyone. You can't blame me nobody's given me a reason to trust them and it sucks thinking that I have to wait for my life to start. It sucks having to forsake my feelings to make others feel "comfortable". It sucks that nobody understands that I'm slowly drowning. It sucks that I have to remember that bible verse that even in everything that happens that I have to forgive and let go. Forgiving is not the problem honestly but how do you forgive somebody who doesn't even see that they have hurt you? How do you gather strength and courage to move on with that person even though they were never sorry about what they did wrong.

Sometimes I think to myself how hard it is to be a Christian and a young adult. The amount of tears I have shed in the past months is more than what I've ever shed in my whole life and  some pretty messed up things has happen to me. There's  this hole in my heart and people keep  filling me with the wrong things trying to change me to the person I'm not.

There's something to be said about identify theft; I feel like my identify is slowly going away because I have to live to please people now, the people I care about. I have to not be myself to make them happy and I guess in some way that's going to make me happy? It's just what I have to do not what I want to do but my prayer is one day I will do what I want to do and I won't  have to change for anyone because I will get to the place where the people I will surround myself with will love me and appreciate me for who I am. They won't try to make me someone else because they want to be happy or whatever, they will accept me and love me unconditionally. That's my goal in life and that's what it will be. My life will be beautiful, it may not be now but it will be.

Sometimes I even wonder how I got this far? I mean when I think back to when I was really me I  never allowed things like this to distract me but it seems like lately it's been one punch after the other every damn day. I'm getting so tired, so tired. Thoughts that I abandoned years ago are starting to come back and it's taking me to that place I escaped from a long time ago. I swear I feel like a piece of me died this morning. I don't know if I will ever be the same. A piece of me died today and I'm slowing dying inside. I feel like I've been screaming for long time but nobody is hearing me because they're too focused on their selfish needs and wants. Everybody is so focused on what they want from me and not what I want for myself. Hell I'd be damned if they even thought about my well being. Oooh but this is the passing through, I'm just passing through because one day all of this will be a story.

I will find my identity and those people who stole it won't know who I am anymore because I will be a new person, a better person and the things I permitted before I won't anymore. Something of great importance died inside of me today, but I will not mourn, I will not cry, but instead I will live. I have been distracted but this was the best wake up call I could ever receive. I plan on being better after this and even if I have to pretend for a while then so be it. I intend on living a beautiful life and I will make sure of it.

        That's all for now, until next time stay fabu-lous!

Peace, love and happy shopping


  1. Wow, thank you for being so real and honest. Yeah, sometimes I have to “fake it ‘til I make it.” Eventually, God will bring you full circle, and out of the valley. Hold on, and thank you so much, you’ve impacted me with your post!!

    1. Thank you for reading. I'm humbled that I have impacted you in some way. I can't help but to be real there's too many people out there going through what I'm goin through and all I can do is offer encouragement. Once again thank you.


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