ALL THOSE WHO WANDER

 
If I start to explain how far I have wandered...
Ever felt like you were lost and you just keep going further and further in the wrong direction? 
I've had those days that led to months then to years... I have wandered so far that home almost became a distant memory. In my high school humanities class I was given a book to read which was titled "A Long way gone." I read the book and pondered on the events that happened both in my life and the book. See, I was a wanderer and so was the main character of this book. The only difference between us is the distance we both wandered. When I finished the book I immediately wrote a poem because I was bursting with emotions. Ishmael put me in a place of familiarity, a place of vulnerability and a place of longing and waiting. I wrote this poem expressing everything I have felt in all my years of wandering; all the good, the bad and the discoveries. I almost felt like a child again, reliving all of my past experiences.
ALL LONG WAY GONE
By: Jael Perkins
Mama told me I would be great, a child of great wisdom and integrity.
She said "Ishmael you will be mama's golden child. The one that'll save this family from poverty."
I think her words were the only thing that didn't burn with her.
Daddy said I'll be great, he said "Ishmael you'll be brave, big and strong. The one to fight my battles for me."
All I've heard from the day of my birth was "Ishmael you are a blessing, Ishmael you are strong, Ishmael you are BRAVE."
Brave? What is bravery when I've been a coward for this long all in the name of revenge?
Strong? What is strength when I've used it to inflict pain on others?
Blessed? How am I blessed when all I've learned is to trust in my weapon?
As I'm thinking I find myself going back to that tree.
Under the tree the children are playing.
Under the tree there are bodies decaying.
Under the tree the devil's laughing, for all the souls he have recruited.
Under that tree is a boy, born of pure innocence and now a killer.
That boy is me.
Under the tree lays my weapon, made for protection and destruction.
Under that tree my childhood was stolen and under that tree titles were given.
Under that tree I took lives and numbed the pain with higher influence.
Under that tree I was titled leader in charge of inhumane acts.
I took the lives of hundreds of people, why would anyone want me to live?
Why would anyone see me worthy of a second chance?
All they saw was a troubled child at first glance.
Why would they fight for me?
Take chances and relocate me?
Why couldn't they let me die?
I deserve to die don't I?
I killed them all not sparing a single soul.
I hate to see their pity.
"It's not your fault," those words disgust me the most.
Why would they believe in me? why?
I'm not worth believing in, maybe that's why I'm homeless, fatherless, and motherless.
I don't pity myself, I look at my scars and see how they represent my story.
My scars, they tell my story.
One of love, pain, neglect and abuse.
Many nights I cried myself to sleep, because I was a child at heart.
There were times when I wanted to be free.
I rumbled and rumbled, but things never change.
I walked and walked, but remained the same.
"There's no point you'll never get there," at least that what they wanted me to hear.
I wanted to fight my thoughts and prove them wrong, but I was weak.
I was an object in the game.
No one knew my name.
Not even the boy I had been.
In time I found myself.
I found the thirteen years old lost boy.
I found that child that was desperately in need for love.
I found that boy that was full of anger and revenge.
I found that boy inside of me, but I also found a teenager desperate for change.
A teenager pleading to the world to stop the violence.
A teenager crying for the families he had destroyed.
A teenager that believed in hope more than fear.
When I look back at my journey I can see that it's been a long way gone, but I'm here.
To this place I call home and it makes me question myself if the journey was worth it.
I'll never fully understand why the road to home was long, hard and painful
but I know that it's been a long way gone.
............
How far how you wandered?
Don't forget to follow me on wattpad @queen_jael I have new poetry every now and then.
PURCHASE A LONG WAY GONE
That's all for now, until next time stay fabu-lous!



Peace, love and happy shopping

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