Most days I'm not okay with being alone relationship wise (friendships etc.). I don't know why I feel comfortable sharing this, but my fear is my attitude and or behavior will drive people away. Most of my life that's been the case, but I feel like that needs to change. 

I have a fear of being desirable to men. I don't want to be anyone's prized possession; and it's not because I don't value myself, I very much do. I just don't want to be seen as a prize or property of anyone. I want to guarantee myself freedom, even if or when I'm in a relationship.

I don't want to be labeled as anything other than a queen. I don't want to live up to society standards. I feel insulted whenever I get  a "compliment" about having an hour glass figure. I don't want people's compliment to be based on my body shape. I want them to compliment me because of my attitude, the way I carry myself, the way my melanin glows like a  queen from the soil. I want to be complimented on how my love for God makes me glow, how I  get passionate talking about solutions to the world's problems. That's what I want and maybe it might be too much to ask, but that would be nice if I would get complimented on these important things rather than my figure or beauty.

I don't want to be the envy of other women. I don't want to be in a competition where I'm voted most beautiful. And maybe I did sign up for  this competition when I decided to start modeling, but I just want to be able to do what I love without being competitive. Maybe that's not how things work, but I believe in lifting people up rather than bringing them down. Call me crazy but it brings me joy to see my fellow women being successful.

I don't want to give my soul to anyone other than my first love Jesus. I may not have loved him first but he loved me before I even knew who I was. Call me crazy but I think that's a big deal.  It's not everyday you get to experience a love so real. And maybe that's why I'm scared because I might never find a man that would love me as deeply as Jesus does. Maybe that's why I'm single because I haven't found anyone worthy enough to show me the love he has. And I think that's okay because he will find someone for me as long as I trust and believe, and plus I don't think I'm ready for anyone yet. For now he's the owner of my soul and keeper of my heart.

That's all for now, until next time stay Fabu_lous! 

Simply Jaelicous 

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